Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
