y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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