I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
