there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
well you can't waste a boner
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
