Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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