Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
