This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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