I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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