More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
