Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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