the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
