My liver just broke up with me...
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
