just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
