I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
