you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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