6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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