That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
