Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
