Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You dont lie about slip and slides
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
