dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
