I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
