At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
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