On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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