Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
