I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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