i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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