I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
