I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Randomize
