last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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