girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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