dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
