Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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