he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
