Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Randomize
