There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
