Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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