I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
