I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
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