My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize