i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
