I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I still have a little drunk in my system
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
