new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
