I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize