didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
