She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
im holly from the hills drunk
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
