My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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