I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
