what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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