I accidentally had phone sex last night
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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