I wish you could order shots online.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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