mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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