did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
