i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
