1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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